Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s debate performance Saturday night has had reporters and commentators scrambling to fact check again. Their pursuit of the truth has debunked her claim that the Muslim terrorist group ISIS was employing a video of Donald Trump to recruit new members.
Trump is demanding an apology from the often apoplectic Hillary, but her campaign has slammed the door on that. Even tonight on The Kelly File, with the lovely Martha MacCallum filling in, Clinton associate Lanny Davis maintained HIllary had spoken the truth, though he could not identify any video put together or used by ISIS. He simply pointed to ordinary clips of Trump that he claimed news organizations like Al Jazeera had aired.
While the the news has thrust – some would say continues to thrust – the spotlight on Clinton’s alleged dark deceit, we think it a ploy to cover up a deeper and darker matter: Clinton’s flatulence.
Naturally, it has been hard to penetrate the deep darkness of this cavern of conspiracy. The people we spoke to, some of them experts, would only provide information on condition of anonymity or altered appelation, so we have granted it.
What those people are saying is both the Obama administration and the Clinton campaign want to keep Hillary’s flatulence buried. The reason is not so much because of the avalanche of embarassment that public flatulence instigates, but because of the political irony: her flatulence fuels global warming!
That may seem difficult to believe, perhaps as difficult to believe as global warming itself, but insiders and experts say it’s a fact, both that Hillary lets them rip and that her emissions damage the ozone layer.
They say proof positive was obtained during hearings before Congress. Loaded with prior consumption of some Mexican culinary delights (no word on whether the cooks were “undocumented aliens”), Hillary’s anger propelled what witnesses called “a barrage of boom boom”, something one insider said the photo below demonstrated.
An expert in body language, whom we shall call Dr. Phillipe Le Foof, identified several signs in Hillary’s posture. He noted the agony on her angry face, indicative, he said, of a desperate effort against constipational resistance. The angry, wide-open mouth symbolized the deep desire for expulsion and the use of exhalation recoil to force air out at the other end.
Finally, Le Foof pointed to Hillary’s clenched fists as containing both symbolic and actual energy to aid and abet the elimination of her internal pressures, which she used to make a final push.
The result devastated those present in the comparatively packed congressional hearing room already warmer from a persistent malfunction of the air conditioning units. Papers fluttered as the warm winds passed by. People fanned themselves to shoo away the deadly scents. Some got up and left. One woman, in a row near the back, bent over and puked into her purse.
So why isn’t Hillary’s problem reported? First, as a courtesy. Second, because her strategy for the concealment of her ejecta is to lie. Her lies draw the attention of both sides of the press: the conservatives go after them to publish them; the liberals find ways to explain them away or wipe them from the public’s consciousness. She knows in the end nothing will come of her lies, that the cons and the libs will cancel each other out, so she casually flings them to the public as she blasts away.
So neither the administration nor Hillary’s campaign is worried about the the lies or the flatulence per se. They are agonizing, however, over the environmental impact.
Inisders say a small cadre of scientists from the environmental group “Seafoam” (SFOME, Stop Fu****g Our Mother Earth – I know, it should be Esfoam, but with FOME in place, and no C word for stop, they let the “S” lead rather than the phonetics to create something catchy) set up equipment to measure Hillary’s impact on the environment. Using an intricate device called a “methanometer”, they determined that effect was nothing short of devastating.
The scientists found that each time Hillary thundered, the methanometer recorded levels equal to the simultaneous expulsions of 500 to 1,000 bovines. In an hour, she was capable of emissions exceeding 100,000 bovines.
“We are having to drastically revise our timetable for the utter erosion of the ozone layer,” one scientist said. “Needless to say, we will all be tanning a lot faster less than 10 years from now.”
They say Hillary’s dastardly discharges will accelerate global warming and could serve as the prime ignition of a nuclear-like winter.
Observers now believe these revelations begin to shed light on some of Hillary’s previous statements, for instance, her prevarication about coming under fire after landing in Bosnia some years ago.
Hillary later said her claim was a mistake in memory. Insiders say it was only partly a mistake: they and the Bosnians waiting at the airport came under fire from Hillary’s vitriolic vapors. One Bosnian guard at the airport fell down as if shot, so strongly did the expulsion strike him.
As further confirmation of a matter that will likely remain plugged up, insiders point to Hillary’s delay coming out for Saturday night’s debate. She was, indeed, occupied in the bathroom. One janitor who had to clean up spoke on condition of anonymity.
“We had to wear them surgical masks, but perfumed, all scented up lady-lake,” the janitor explained. “Even then, the stink was terrible. We had to walk out and come back many times. And the toilet seat, why, it was blowed up!”
The janitor said Hillary apologized but laughed it off.
“She say, ‘Sorry, boys, but there’s a lesson here. You don’t f**k with gramma.'”